I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
