I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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