drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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