When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
