apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
