he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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