his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
