You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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