my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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