I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
