Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
