I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize