Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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