sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
