Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just had sex bonerless
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
