I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
