Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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