Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
