I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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