Four minutes until I can fart!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
