A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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