It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
