i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
