This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
