i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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