I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
