I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
