Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
