I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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