Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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