not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so let's talk penis.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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