tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
