you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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