sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
