I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
