We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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