Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
