i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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