doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
