my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
