The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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