an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
