My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
