Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm sobbing to NWA
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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