I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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