i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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