there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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