hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
