My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
