I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
