haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
