just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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