I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i've created a new STD.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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