hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
