even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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