My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
