I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
